helpless

needless to say how i feel everyday is not what you'd expect because ive never been this direct.
i feel alone. i feel sad. i feel empty. i feel mad. because of "him" he took away every aspect of normalsy for me. noone ever really sees whats happening inside me. the fight, the war, the closing of a door. confining me to this one place, having to stare at this ugly hated face. watching, observing, waiting to see, if anyone ever will really actually figure out whats happening to me. they don't im alone. helpless is what i am. its like the world is the lion and i am the lonely, stupid, little lamb. mauled apart every day by this torture inside, what more can i say? im alone, helpless, tortured, beaten, abused, torn down, completely used.

                                          i am........:

those in sorrow look towards tomorrow: jasmine

those in sorrow look towards tomorrow: jasmine: "jasmine is sweet, beautiful, amazing, true. shes even better then you. she smiles that sweet smile. she loves me, i love her. her long beau..."

Dreams

Dreams of a loving father, dreams of a loving girl, dreams of a normal teen boy. these dreams whirl in my mind. Me, searching to find, the feeling of love, the acceptance of life, peace of mind.
but these are just dreams and cannot be true. because inside! inside me, im dead. Alone, Afraid, lashing out at those who don't understand but try to help anyway, fighting, struggling, longing to feel, that sweet whisper, that soft kiss, wanting so badly for it to be real. yet, these are silly dreams, nothing more, and im back to being Alone, Afraid, lashing, just like before.
i dont know about you, but i know about me. and what i long for to feel, to experience, to see. waking at night, crying, for dreams so beautiful can only exist for me in my mind.
i want to laugh, love, to feel, but i don't know if i should, for i don't know if any of it is real.
dreams are amazing, you can create your perfect world, only you can see, i just wish that my perfect world existed in reality. i know its not real, for its only a dream, but a dream, they say, is as real as you make it seem.

brittle but beautiful

Brittle but beautiful is the only thing we hope to acheive. its not fame or fourtune. in a way it is. you acheive the fame from the one person who matters the most to you and your fourtunate enough to have that person in your life. they say love is like a river, when its flowing its beautiful and strong, yet....when a log or a fallen soldier lays across the path, it browns and uglifies untill you do not recognize the beauty of what once was. only through help and partnership can you remove that log, or that fallen soldier of devience then the river flows once again. it is beautiful yet brittle. just like the love of two people, who would do anything for eachother. they would DIE for the other...but one small trip up and its onto the ugly waters of which you do not recognize the beauty of what once was there but now is conceived into a whole new reality of betrayal and hurt and sorrow. brittle but beautiful is love.

slashing

Slashing, crashing, tearing, bashing, screaming, pounding, struggling, drowning.
Whats happening? why this pain? all these memories, i was never the same. i cry, i try to block this pain, inside, a raging storm, HURRICANES! TORNADOES! RAZOR CLAWS! ERUPTING VOLCANOES! SMASHING JAWS! inside is the entrance to hell, you really dont want to ring the bell. the rain drowns the pain, my hell is barred by the hope, love, and faith. where are these feelings coming from? her name is liz,around her i laff and smile, i love, i sing, every little while i thank god for creating such a beautiful thing. she makes me forget the horror of my past, when she walks away only a few seconds last before its back to...SLASHING! CRASHING! TEARING! BASHING! SCREAMING! POUNDING! STRUGGLING! DROWNING! BURNING! HURTING! CRYING! YELLING! SCREECHING! Dying inside, and so i hide, until next time, when i can feel alive.

Daddy

Is anyone there? does anyone hear? does anyone care? about my most ungodly fear? silence. its all i hear. there and far....sometimes i want to get into my car, and drive. just drive till i run out of gas. fill it up, and keep going, so i can get away from all this knowing. these memories, they eat away at my mind. the one and only fear i have.....is if he will ever find me, i dont know wut id do, if he showed up and tried again. im scared. back then....noone cared. he doesnt deserve to live! he deserves to die!!! ill tell you a secret...sometimes at night...i stilll cry...from remembering the horror..the fear...from watching death so very near. that bastard that prick! he forced me as a child to suck his dick!!!!! he raped me he beat me! the
man i called dad, he enjoyed when i screamed for mercy. he lied, i cried. he said he hated me. that i was a mistake. that i should die, it was too much to take. i cried, inside i died. he murdered me emotionally. that horrible man i called daddy.

thanks "dad"

Just so you know, of a specific way to go, try and see, whats happened to me. do you want to grow up to hav to fight for your life? i didnt think so, you as a man should be there to care for your wife. take in stride things that blow your way, think not of the selfish thoughts running through your mind, you should be a man who is nice, gentle,.....kind.
I serve you an image to your mind, take as you please, of a young boy, staring up in terror at his father, who tells the boy: "get on your knees" it was him who started this monster of a teen, him who corrupted this young man at such an early age, him who made me bleed. it was him who burned away the flesh on my torso, him who beat me with a belt, a rope, and evrything he could think of. love? ha! no suchthing. in a way i ought to thank him for the toughness hes giventhis teen. so i say to you dad: "thanks for the beatings, the abuse, the lying, the effort to confuse, the way you hit me and sent me to bed, the way you said you hated me and you wished me dead